Raymere+Brown

STEVE should not have been chrarged with felony murder because he was scared he didnt give a signal and he was a good kid. stevewas a regular16 year old kid. he is a good kid cause when he saw that mr. nesbitt died he was shock and paranoid.if he wasnt a good kid that wouldnt have affected him. and he wouldnt have reacted like that. steve shouldnt get charged cause e was scared. when he hearded them talking he ranhome. in his lil writting he always talking bout how he is scaredand he cant go to sleep he tellin his lil bro dont go to jail. steve is inocent he didnt give a signal. he didnt give a signal and they thought that was da signal he really wouldnt do nothing.

Mere- Good start here. I would just look for one more paragraph about Steve being a good kid. What else can we point to in the story to show that he was a good kid. Also, take a look at improving the introduction. Good start here.

f

ootball is a great sport it first started in the mid1800's theancient greeks and romans the object of thegame was to to get the ball across and it is still a popular sport now.football is a great use of your free time because it can get you in shape when you get mad you can hit hard and can get you some were in life

1.football is a good sport cause it could get you in sahpe.it could get you in shape by doin fast past drills.And in football it could build your stamina. finally it get you in shape cause you sprintthen you dont you keep goin and goin

2.a good outlet for anger when you get mad at home when you play ootball you can release your anger on other peopple when your on defense. if someone hurt your faimly member you could hit them head to head an give them a concussion.

3.football can get you somewere in life. if you are good you can get in the nfl.in football you could et you in a division one team. and it can teach you disaplen and it could make you not lasey

Take a look at conclusions in the student essays. You need to add a conclusion.

pERSONAL NARRATIVE

 Mere wake up you have a football game, my mom said. so i wok upgot in the shower ate breakfast and got ready fo the game it was the fourth game dat we played the team was east alleghenyn we were playin them at gram feild it was at 3:45ad i wet to school that daya soo as it hit 2:00 i screamed "lets go !!!!!!!" Ok, this is a good quote. I think you could add a lot here before you begin the game.
 * You could include a paragraph about what game you were playing in. Where was it? Was it a big game or just a normal game? How were you feeling about the game?
 * Next, you could add a paragraph about what it was like when you got to the game. Were there a lot of people there? Was it loud? Use sensory descriptions to describe the setting.
 * Then you could have a paragraph about the first three quarters. Just combine some of these sentences you already have into one paragraph.

it was first quarter and we scored by throwing a pass to matthew ad the they threw a thouch down pass at the 20yard line tackeled then a gang of people tackeled me. then it was second quarter the score was tied 21 o 21 we was playibg defense and they was playing good defense so it was stilll tied in the third qu it was third quareter i got the pitch to the right i was about to get tackelded then my player cracked back himso it was 28 to to 21 i kicked it deep then number 12 for there there team took it back so it was tied again at the end of the 4th quarter they had the ball on the one yard line 1 second left we stop them so we went over time it THis is the part that I think you should really focus on. How did you stop them on the one. That is a huge play. But not as big as your kick return. How did you feel when you saw 11 guys running at you? Did the teammates block for you? This is the part that you should focus on and describe. the end

How did you feel when you finally won the game. Did you ever make such a big play before? DId you learn that you could count on your teammates? Tell me what you learned through this experience.

im doing my friend richard. how i him is they was playing football and someone got hurt and i had to play for them. some memories is when it was winter and i hit someone with a snowball we was laugh an then i hit him then he hit me i got mad i tack

Raymere